Everything was going great. I was so thankful to God for the people he put in my life. Then Tuesday happened… You can’t run from the past because it always finds a way. Just like in TV shows, secrets come out, even if you’ve left them behind for good. I was just trying to fix what I broke and be a better person. My intentions were good but I guess some things just can’t be forgiven, no matter what was going on when you made your mistakes. The past two days, I’ve been a wreck. I failed 2 classes, never ate, never slept, cried constantly, skipped classes. The only thing that keeps me going are my new friends. They really care and really try to make me feel better. They try not to let me be alone, which is smart. I never thought I could trust anyone but Blane ever again. And now he can’t trust me. Ironic. The good news is that I am living. And every day, I get stronger. I still get up and put sweatpants over my pajama shorts but today, I didn’t put them on backwards! So I’m getting better. I’m also losing weight. Which is probably bad… There’s one more person who is trying to help. Of course it’s Preston so it’s not exactly helping. I’ll definitely never trust him. It’s just not possible. I would do anything to get Blane back but he deserves better.
I don’t like having friends… if you can even call them that.. I don’t really know anymore. I feel like I’m completely oblivious to whether people like me or not. and the worst part is that I actually care.. when did that start to happen.. I don’t like caring. It’s not like caring is going to change who I am. I will still be weird and unnecessary. I will still act dumb and outlandish. but I hate the constant “I wonder if they are judging me, talking about me behind my back. I wonder if I’m THAT girl that thinks she is a part of the group when in reality, they just want me to leave.” I’m broken. I am not that confident girl who doesn’t give a shit anymore. that’s what people used to like about me. now there is nothing? I didn’t deserve this. I was loyal. I bent over backwards to be the best friend i could. and this is what happens. not even just once either.. time after time. as if there is some sort of sign on my forehead that says “screw me over” Friendship. fuck it.
I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be loyal. To value people as people and not just company…. I realized this today and it hurt.. I used to be soooo loyal to all my friends. Now I don’t know who my friends are. I don’t remember how to friendship. Do I pick sides? No. That’s not how I remember it. I miss protecting other’s secrets and trusting other’s with my own secrets. I can’t trust. not anymore.. to be continued..
I workout every day. When I look around the gym, a lot of times I can pretty much guess why people are there. Some want to get into shape. Some want to lose weight. Some are skinny girls who think they’re fat. Some are athletes. Most of the guys want to build or maintain muscle. If someone were to try to guess why I was there, they would probably guess wrong.. I go there to be around other people when I’m feeling lonely. It makes me feel less alone. I don’t talk to anyone but just being in their presence is better than sitting in my room alone. I also workout because it puts good chemicals in your brain.. and I could use all the good chemicals I can get. It also gives me more energy when I feel drained, so that’s a plus. My self esteem is fine. I’m perfectly happy with my body. But I workout all the time. It’s all I can do.
I miss having a best girl friend but not enough to try to be friends with people who don’t appreciate me or deserve me. I want someone who admires me as much as I do them. I want someone who can be wild and crazy with me. Someone who loves to enjoy things. Someone who loves to laugh. Someone who would be as loyal to me as I am to them. I’m always as loyal as I can be and for some reason, I always get walked on.. I guess I’ll just be friends with myself.
I made a lot of mistakes and i was really depressed.. I’ve been better since i came home. I’ve had about a month off. I’ve spent much time with Blane, working it out… but I’m really afraid. I have to go back to school soon and the anticipation is killing me. What is going to happen? Will I get worse again? Especially because my only friend at UNT got kicked out for something stupid. So now I’m even more alone… but I have to believe that God has a plan for me. So I’m going to try. I’m going to stay strong and use this semester to improve myself. With all my free time, alone, I can go to the gym, read, paint, draw, study, and just keep telling myself it was be okay. Maybe I will make peace with myself and my mistakes. I will be happy with time. I just need to. I miss Brandy.
I need someone here. I need someone around me to make me feel better or at least distract me. I rack my brain for whom to invite but I dont want to be around anyone. I have no best girl friend. The only person that could make me feel better and I broke his heart. The only person I want to be around was my best friend in the whole world, my partner, and I pushed him aside. I’ve been with him for 2 years, 2 months and a day, through better or worse. I have never felt so utterly alone in my whole life. I can’t talk to anyone. I just want to talk to him. And so I type all the things I would say to him if I could. And the pain temporarily subsides because I feel a glimmer of hope. Someone might read this. Someone is better than no one.
I love you with all my heart. Without you, I have nothing. Nothing that means anything. I’m deeply sorry that I caused you pain. I didn’t realize that I needed you until I left you. I was stupid but I don’t feel worthy of your love now. You were so perfect that I took you for granted. I stepped on your heart because I thought it would make me feel better. Turns out, I didn’t see that my world was being held up by you and now it’s crashing down. I’ll miss all the things that started to bug me. I wish they were bugging me still. Your need to fill the silence with words… you won’t be talking to me anymore. Your ridiculous laugh. Your jealousy. After all that jealousy, I’ve come to realize that I don’t want anyone else. Ever. And I sit here, in tears, just hoping that everything you ever said about what would happen if we broke was true. If it was, you won’t give up on me. I’ll still have a chance to earn back what we once had. You said you would love me forever. You said you wouldn’t accept it being over. You said that, no matter what, you would always be in my life. I have to believe that this isn’t the end because I can’t live without you. I’m just a shell the person I was when I had you. I’ll miss the way you would stare at me and tell me you loved me. I would do anything just to hear it again. I would do anything to say it again. You were not just the love of my life, you were my best friend and I stopped treating you like it. Things got hard and the distance made it harder but I would give anything to go back and try harder. I made a mistake. We all make mistakes. I just wish I could tell you all of this. I wish you would understand. But you couldn’t possibly. You loved me since day one. You loved me with all your heart and you never stopped or doubted, even when I did. I want you back so much that it’s pathetic. You deserve better. I told you not to fall for me. I told you I would break your heart. I wish you had listened because I don’t believe it is better to have loved and lost. I wish I didn’t know what I’ll be missing out on. Some day, I’ll get what I deserve. I’ll see you walking down the street with the girl I used to be and I’ll remember how lucky I was and how I’ll never feel that way again. It would be funny if it weren’t so sad that I jump every time my phone buzzes because I think it’s you. And then I see that it’s not and I collapse into sobs. Funny right? because before, you would beg me to text you back. I guess you don’t know what you have till it’s gone is an understatement.
I made the biggest mistake of my life today. I messed up the one thing i had truly going for me. I broke Blane’s heart. The love of my life. It feels like everything is pointless. I thought I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I dont know who I am anymore. He spoiled me and i took him for granted. I will never love again. I’m numb and I try not to think about it. it feels like i’m not even in my body right. every once in a while, it hits me in a wave of pain like i never imagined and im not sure which is worse. I just want to reconnect with him. I’ve been trying so hard to keep everything in but i guess that didnt work. I drove 45 minutes to do it in person and ended up having to do it on the phone because he wouldnt meet me. on the way back, i totaled my car hitting some lady on the highway. When the air bags came out, all I could think was “why didnt it kill me?”
I’ve realized that spending time alone isn’t so bad sometimes
I’m tired of trying so hard. I can’t make any girl friends and I’m starting to get frustrated. I just moved to a whole new place and my roommate ignores me, every girl I talk to hangs out with me once and then I feel like they just avoid me after…. I’m sick of hanging out with my guy friends. Don’t get me wrong, they’re cool but I miss….. What my best friend Sam and I had…. After she stabbed me in the back, i think she broke my ability to have normal girl friendships… I have no one to tell things to so I just tell anyone who will listen. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Then I tried to replace her with Cassie but it felt more like a rebound and now Cassie is ditching me and it just feels like Sam all over again. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t go forward and I can’t go back so I’m just stuck here in this lonely territory. I don’t even want to try because every time I do, I just get rejected. I’ve never had this much trouble making friends before. The worst part is, I have no trouble making guy friends…. That’s just insulting. They all just want to be more than friends and I get really tired of that. I have a boyfriend and I don’t want another one. I also really hate having to reject people and awkwardly avoiding the subject of my boyfriend. It’s exhausting. I’m just going to be a loner. This shit blows.
Fall IS my favorite time. I’m involved romantically with it. It’s one of those deep and mysterious but great loves that absolutely swallows you whole. It takes you captive in its burnt orange arms and you slip into a coma. After it leaves, you are heartbroken but you are still glad it came around, even if just for a little while. How can one possibly count the many ways that it makes you feel so reborn and fresh. As someone who lives in Texas, the summer heat has suffocated me long enough and I have grown tired of the short short that I once longed to wear. I miss all my wonderful jeans and how sophisticated they made me feel. I miss my scarves and long sleeve shirts and jackets. I miss my combat boots and knee high boots. When October rolls around, there is a distinct distinct smell in the air that i can’t describe as anything but October air. I just can’t wait till it starts to cool down again. The hay rides, the haunted houses, the dressing up and decorating, it’s all more than I can bare to wait for. No one seems to understand my excitement. They pretend to know but what they don’t get is that it is constant. The leaves are actively changing so that when I explore the woods around Denton, the wonderful red, brown, and orange picture that they paint will remind me of Octobers before and bring me to tears. The air is slowly getting cooler, making way for October air that I will hopefully be able to smell even though i live next to a Chicken Express. The weather just needs to hurry up because it still feels like summer just won’t let go.