I need someone here. I need someone around me to make me feel better or at least distract me. I rack my brain for whom to invite but I dont want to be around anyone. I have no best girl friend. The only person that could make me feel better and I broke his heart. The only person I want to be around was my best friend in the whole world, my partner, and I pushed him aside. I’ve been with him for 2 years, 2 months and a day, through better or worse. I have never felt so utterly alone in my whole life. I can’t talk to anyone. I just want to talk to him. And so I type all the things I would say to him if I could. And the pain temporarily subsides because I feel a glimmer of hope. Someone might read this. Someone is better than no one.
I love you with all my heart. Without you, I have nothing. Nothing that means anything. I’m deeply sorry that I caused you pain. I didn’t realize that I needed you until I left you. I was stupid but I don’t feel worthy of your love now. You were so perfect that I took you for granted. I stepped on your heart because I thought it would make me feel better. Turns out, I didn’t see that my world was being held up by you and now it’s crashing down. I’ll miss all the things that started to bug me. I wish they were bugging me still. Your need to fill the silence with words… you won’t be talking to me anymore. Your ridiculous laugh. Your jealousy. After all that jealousy, I’ve come to realize that I don’t want anyone else. Ever. And I sit here, in tears, just hoping that everything you ever said about what would happen if we broke was true. If it was, you won’t give up on me. I’ll still have a chance to earn back what we once had. You said you would love me forever. You said you wouldn’t accept it being over. You said that, no matter what, you would always be in my life. I have to believe that this isn’t the end because I can’t live without you. I’m just a shell the person I was when I had you. I’ll miss the way you would stare at me and tell me you loved me. I would do anything just to hear it again. I would do anything to say it again. You were not just the love of my life, you were my best friend and I stopped treating you like it. Things got hard and the distance made it harder but I would give anything to go back and try harder. I made a mistake. We all make mistakes. I just wish I could tell you all of this. I wish you would understand. But you couldn’t possibly. You loved me since day one. You loved me with all your heart and you never stopped or doubted, even when I did. I want you back so much that it’s pathetic. You deserve better. I told you not to fall for me. I told you I would break your heart. I wish you had listened because I don’t believe it is better to have loved and lost. I wish I didn’t know what I’ll be missing out on. Some day, I’ll get what I deserve. I’ll see you walking down the street with the girl I used to be and I’ll remember how lucky I was and how I’ll never feel that way again. It would be funny if it weren’t so sad that I jump every time my phone buzzes because I think it’s you. And then I see that it’s not and I collapse into sobs. Funny right? because before, you would beg me to text you back. I guess you don’t know what you have till it’s gone is an understatement.
I made the biggest mistake of my life today. I messed up the one thing i had truly going for me. I broke Blane’s heart. The love of my life. It feels like everything is pointless. I thought I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I dont know who I am anymore. He spoiled me and i took him for granted. I will never love again. I’m numb and I try not to think about it. it feels like i’m not even in my body right. every once in a while, it hits me in a wave of pain like i never imagined and im not sure which is worse. I just want to reconnect with him. I’ve been trying so hard to keep everything in but i guess that didnt work. I drove 45 minutes to do it in person and ended up having to do it on the phone because he wouldnt meet me. on the way back, i totaled my car hitting some lady on the highway. When the air bags came out, all I could think was “why didnt it kill me?”
I’ve realized that spending time alone isn’t so bad sometimes
I’m tired of trying so hard. I can’t make any girl friends and I’m starting to get frustrated. I just moved to a whole new place and my roommate ignores me, every girl I talk to hangs out with me once and then I feel like they just avoid me after…. I’m sick of hanging out with my guy friends. Don’t get me wrong, they’re cool but I miss….. What my best friend Sam and I had…. After she stabbed me in the back, i think she broke my ability to have normal girl friendships… I have no one to tell things to so I just tell anyone who will listen. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Then I tried to replace her with Cassie but it felt more like a rebound and now Cassie is ditching me and it just feels like Sam all over again. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t go forward and I can’t go back so I’m just stuck here in this lonely territory. I don’t even want to try because every time I do, I just get rejected. I’ve never had this much trouble making friends before. The worst part is, I have no trouble making guy friends…. That’s just insulting. They all just want to be more than friends and I get really tired of that. I have a boyfriend and I don’t want another one. I also really hate having to reject people and awkwardly avoiding the subject of my boyfriend. It’s exhausting. I’m just going to be a loner. This shit blows.
Fall IS my favorite time. I’m involved romantically with it. It’s one of those deep and mysterious but great loves that absolutely swallows you whole. It takes you captive in its burnt orange arms and you slip into a coma. After it leaves, you are heartbroken but you are still glad it came around, even if just for a little while. How can one possibly count the many ways that it makes you feel so reborn and fresh. As someone who lives in Texas, the summer heat has suffocated me long enough and I have grown tired of the short short that I once longed to wear. I miss all my wonderful jeans and how sophisticated they made me feel. I miss my scarves and long sleeve shirts and jackets. I miss my combat boots and knee high boots. When October rolls around, there is a distinct distinct smell in the air that i can’t describe as anything but October air. I just can’t wait till it starts to cool down again. The hay rides, the haunted houses, the dressing up and decorating, it’s all more than I can bare to wait for. No one seems to understand my excitement. They pretend to know but what they don’t get is that it is constant. The leaves are actively changing so that when I explore the woods around Denton, the wonderful red, brown, and orange picture that they paint will remind me of Octobers before and bring me to tears. The air is slowly getting cooler, making way for October air that I will hopefully be able to smell even though i live next to a Chicken Express. The weather just needs to hurry up because it still feels like summer just won’t let go.
every freedom comes with a price. every price bears a burden. never belittle someone’s problem until you carried their burden.
So far I’ve been in college for about two weeks and I can definitely see the effects that graduation and everything has had on me and I’m not pleased. I’ve lost my excitement and thrill, my thirst for knowledge and my ability to dream big. Adult responsibilities and worries like whether or not I believe I can succeed have broken me. I no longer see the big picture. My dreams have started to dull. I can’t let the world determine who I will be in life. everyone will tell me the odds are against me and that I’m not good enough but the second that I listen to them is the second that they become right and I might as well give up and settle down with a boring job and raise my kids to give up their dreams. I always say I want an amazing life with plenty of adventure but the only person standing in my way is myself. No one is going to remind me who I am or what i want in life so it’s up to me to remember. I can’t forget. I refuse to forget.
So if I ever want a job…… I’m probably going to have to delete my account on here… :( which means i probably won’t get this job now.