Heart and soul

So if I ever want a job…… I’m probably going to have to delete my account on here… :( which means i probably won’t get this job now.

blane, me, allison (owlisan)

it feels good to be hated

So i was watching TV when the commercial for that Wallflower movie came on. Now around this time of year, everything get puts into perspective because i start to think about past falls, more specifically, octobers. i think about all the friends i had last year and the year before that i no longer have(way more than usual). This commercial had a weird effect on me though. i started to think “wow! all my best friends probably won’t even know me this time next year!” (which is especially true because i’m graduating) i dont like this feeling. it’s almost as if nothing i do will even remotely matter because it eventually become a distant memory. almost like it never really happened in the first place. i feel insignificant. i want to affect people. i want to change SOMETHING! ANYTHING! i also feel complacent. like i’ve been in one place for too long. the most dangerous people are the complacent ones, in my opinion. they’ll do anything to change something. they stop caring about consequences because feeling something is better than nothing at all. God help me..

Perfect end to a good day. Reading my english book {not as boring as it sounds} while the love of my life holds me. Then falling asleep in his arms and waking up to a tickle fight. The only downside was when i accidentally stabbed him in the eye with a razor-sharp nail……. oops.

that one night stand that never called back, that person who lied about loving you so he or she could get in your pants. it’s easy to spot them and impossible to change them, so dont even try. BUT, it is not so difficult to understand them. it is much more difficult to stay than leave so if you think about it, this person who thought they were so strong is actually just a coward. it takes more strength, determination, patience and courage to give someone your heart and fight to make it work. one must let his or her guard down and believe me, it is much easier to screw someone else over than to be vulnerable and give the other person that power and control over him or her. these people would much rather give in to the temptation of hording all the power to themselves than take a chance on love because, in all honesty, they dont believe in it. they cheat and lie and break hearts on purpose so they can sabotage any chance that they might feel something they can’t control. im not saying these people don’t have the ability to change but they have to want to. you cant change them with anything you do. i would know because i was one.

dont ever look back. the good times are in the future. there’s nothing in your past to make you anything but sad.

We’re still madly in love. <3

okay so i’ve felt this feeling once before. and that’s because i’ve been in a long term relationship once before. i feel anxious, like something is coming and i’m crying because i know what it is. much like before, i feel distant but i dont want to admit it. question is, will i be the one to act on it first. once you do it, you can’t just take it back. the damage will be done. i have never regretted breaking it off with kyle, especially because it was mutual, but what about blane? is he pretending to still be in love with me just to hold on to something that isn’t there? or is it just me? i’ve been trying to figure out how i feel. after all, this distance could be due to the fact that we dont spend as much time together. im trying so fucking hard but just as we start to get back to that place, we end up not hanging out for two days. ive talked to him about this too but he just isn’t getting the message. he could fucking lose me forever. im not trying to threaten him, im just sick of this. my biggest regret about kyle is waiting too long to end it. wtf should i do?

missing something and wanting it back, i’ve learned, are two entirely different feelings. missing something is more like nostalgia for the way things used to be. sort of like when you see an old cartoon from your childhood. obviously, you cannot go back and be 5 again which is why you miss it so much. wanting something back implies that nothing has changed and you’re still the same people. this impossibly untrue scenario makes me wonder if anyone ever really wants their ex back or if they just miss the way things used to be so they see it as a sign that they should be together again. once apart, people grow apart. they change and become incompatible because, if they broke apart in the first place, they were never meant to be. there was a reason you went your separate ways in the first place. someone wasnt willing to compromise or someone took things too far. if you think about it, was that conflict resolved? who’s to say it won’t happen again? trying to go back to the way it was is sort of like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube, it will never be the way you remembered it. it’s better to keep the good memories and not make new, bad memories. but also, remember why it ended and stand your ground. don’t make the same mistake i did with grant and our friendship because believe me, something bad is going to come of this. i can already feel a storm brewing.