The dog I grew up with is gone. Monday, September 29, we took him to the vet for the last time. I didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t want to do it. I’ve dreaded this day for years but there it was. The last day I’d ever see him. It’s too permanent to bare. He was no longer aware of his surroundings, no longer eating. He was on painkillers just to feel okay. Even then it was too hard. I held him on the drive to the vets, crying the whole way. The closer we got, the harder it got to breathe. As we waited, I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to run out of there with him. I couldn’t even believe what was happening. When the vet injected the euthenasia, it was like a bullet to my heart. I couldn’t breath. I pet him till he stopped breathing and his soul had left and then kissed him goodbye. As I left the room I saw an image I will never forget, the vet picking up my dog’s lifeless body. Days later, I still can’t believe it. No one understands why I am so sad. I just want to bring him back. I just want Shademan the shedman back..
O: “You made a mistake.”
C:”No. I mean yes, I did. Cheating on him, that was a mistake.The affair was a mistake.But that’s not the thing.. That’s not what’s going to kill us. The mistake is nothing. It’s that-“
O:”It’s that you never told him the truth. That you let him believe a lie.”
C:”You think the only that’s going to suffer is you. You suck it up. You tell yourself ‘this is the price I’m paying, this is the cost,’ but it’s not.. There’s a much larger bill and it comes due. How do you fix betrayal?”
O:”You betrayed him. You did.You messed up, and there’s a price. Betrayal always has a price. You can’t change the choice you made, all you can do is not let it ruin you.”
C:”And what if he never forgives me?”
O:”Then you’re going to have to learn to forgive yourself”
C:”That sounds lonely.”
Every goodbye always seems like the last.
Every hello is pleasant surprise.
Because I never saw you as permanent.
Stay as long as you want,
But please don’t lie to me.
Today is supposed to to be different from any other day. Am I supposed to be different? Do all my sins not matter? Because I don’t feel different. I feel like the same sinner I was yesterday. I still feel the guilt, occasionally. It washes over me. I can’t feel much else though. Feelings. They’re like a distant memory. I don’t want them back but I’m afraid of losing them forever. I’m just a coward. Nothing special about a coward. We all do things out of selfishness. I’m on my own though. I isolate myself because it’s easy. Funny thing is, this is what I’ve always wanted. Even as a kid, I dreamed of being heartless and cruel where no one could touch me. I guess I have that now. The thing that matters most in my life is Jep. He is my light.
Pain and agony
are all I feel
I’m drowning and suffering
but nothing feels real.
I’ve fallen from grace
but I won’t be here long
Soon, I’ll be rising high,
to where I belong.
I’m not the girl I used to be
I’ve made my mistakes
"I’ve broken hearts
and I’ve had my heartbreaks.
But I’m done with that now
I can’t take anymore
No more tearing me down
Because it’s time to restore.
My sadness and self-loathing
will be a thing of the past
I’m done looking back
Because I know nothing lasts.
Everyone always leaves,
despite what they say
It’s just a matter
of how long they stay.”
"because I have been where you are before.
and I have felt the pain of losing who you are.
I have died so many times
but I am still alive”
"this is not the end of me..
this is the beginning.”
Everything was going great. I was so thankful to God for the people he put in my life. Then Tuesday happened… You can’t run from the past because it always finds a way. Just like in TV shows, secrets come out, even if you’ve left them behind for good. I was just trying to fix what I broke and be a better person. My intentions were good but I guess some things just can’t be forgiven, no matter what was going on when you made your mistakes. The past two days, I’ve been a wreck. I failed 2 classes, never ate, never slept, cried constantly, skipped classes. The only thing that keeps me going are my new friends. They really care and really try to make me feel better. They try not to let me be alone, which is smart. I never thought I could trust anyone but Blane ever again. And now he can’t trust me. Ironic. The good news is that I am living. And every day, I get stronger. I still get up and put sweatpants over my pajama shorts but today, I didn’t put them on backwards! So I’m getting better. I’m also losing weight. Which is probably bad… There’s one more person who is trying to help. Of course it’s Preston so it’s not exactly helping. I’ll definitely never trust him. It’s just not possible. I would do anything to get Blane back but he deserves better.
I don’t like having friends… if you can even call them that.. I don’t really know anymore. I feel like I’m completely oblivious to whether people like me or not. and the worst part is that I actually care.. when did that start to happen.. I don’t like caring. It’s not like caring is going to change who I am. I will still be weird and unnecessary. I will still act dumb and outlandish. but I hate the constant “I wonder if they are judging me, talking about me behind my back. I wonder if I’m THAT girl that thinks she is a part of the group when in reality, they just want me to leave.” I’m broken. I am not that confident girl who doesn’t give a shit anymore. that’s what people used to like about me. now there is nothing? I didn’t deserve this. I was loyal. I bent over backwards to be the best friend i could. and this is what happens. not even just once either.. time after time. as if there is some sort of sign on my forehead that says “screw me over” Friendship. fuck it.
I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be loyal. To value people as people and not just company…. I realized this today and it hurt.. I used to be soooo loyal to all my friends. Now I don’t know who my friends are. I don’t remember how to friendship. Do I pick sides? No. That’s not how I remember it. I miss protecting other’s secrets and trusting other’s with my own secrets. I can’t trust. not anymore.. to be continued..
I workout every day. When I look around the gym, a lot of times I can pretty much guess why people are there. Some want to get into shape. Some want to lose weight. Some are skinny girls who think they’re fat. Some are athletes. Most of the guys want to build or maintain muscle. If someone were to try to guess why I was there, they would probably guess wrong.. I go there to be around other people when I’m feeling lonely. It makes me feel less alone. I don’t talk to anyone but just being in their presence is better than sitting in my room alone. I also workout because it puts good chemicals in your brain.. and I could use all the good chemicals I can get. It also gives me more energy when I feel drained, so that’s a plus. My self esteem is fine. I’m perfectly happy with my body. But I workout all the time. It’s all I can do.
I miss having a best girl friend but not enough to try to be friends with people who don’t appreciate me or deserve me. I want someone who admires me as much as I do them. I want someone who can be wild and crazy with me. Someone who loves to enjoy things. Someone who loves to laugh. Someone who would be as loyal to me as I am to them. I’m always as loyal as I can be and for some reason, I always get walked on.. I guess I’ll just be friends with myself.